[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
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“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.