This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.