orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all