Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Oh yeah that’s it
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.