sin harder.
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Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date