Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My birthstone is kidney
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.