Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.