Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Fiction has to make sense.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.