Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
🙂🐾
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room