Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder