“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
At least try to make it slightly believable
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not