This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.