I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You Might Also Like
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The two types of wives
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan