Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*gets down on one knee*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!