If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people