Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
This is what makes twitter great
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off