* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
You Might Also Like
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My support group can outdrink your support group.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Bond. Trauma bond.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”