You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.