Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.