Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
A drum solo but on your face.