*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Every. Damn. Time.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
the clam before the storm
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind