I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Lmao
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[adds another nod to the conversation]