[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs