Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Okay, I’m still confused…
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.