Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Spring of Deception
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition