I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting