Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead