If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My dating profile:
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
what do you want!!!!!!!!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions