I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
You Might Also Like
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
sin harder.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.