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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
New comic up. “Ransom”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
not seeing the problem
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
We’re all getting idioter.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ