broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
That’s amazing.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
That’s classic.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.