hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself