sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Flowers bee like
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*