“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.