Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.