Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
A ghost story
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″