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Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.