My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
You Might Also Like
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out