My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*