Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth