I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”