Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
This is why I hate group projects
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?