FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You Might Also Like
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT