Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
happy friday
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this