Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
(Musicians.)
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.