I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one