Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore