Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
had to make it
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300