My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Wait a minute…
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Friends that check up on you >