Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
You Might Also Like
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Cha-ching is my safe word
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.